The Shy Bidet

Posted by: elraymundo at 8:30 am on Wednesday, April 4, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: Lotus Blossom, Travel, Argentina

Argentina is a don’t-flush-the-paper country. Their sewer systems are not built to process toilet paper and so beside every toilet in the country sits a small waste bin where one can deposit their…uh…detritus. They’re cute little bins, usually bright white with an easy-open lid, cheerfully gobbling up all manner of nastiness without complaint. It’s a system that works well-enough, I suppose, when there are no unpleasant colonic surprises and when the bins are emptied frequently. (The Debra once had a particularly horrifying olfactory experience in a Peruvian bus station in Tacna - my little lotus blossom stumbled out of a foul public bathroom, her face greenish yellow, her hand clamped over her mouth, desperately trying not to hurl - “The bathroom…so bad…overflowing bins…the filth…the dirty paper……the smell…”)

So, to restate, the bins are an adequate hit-or-miss solution when circumstances are ideal.

The situation quickly becomes dire, however, when weird-butt strikes. Those little toilet-side bins fill up and overflow pretty quickly when you’re going through entire rainforests of TP. And once the cheerful little bins are full, they’re full. There is no on-call chambermaid available for a discreet drive-by bin-emptying. Hence the overflow which exposes the critical flaw in the system. Because who wants a scented visual reminder of the refried beans or the unpeeled fruit or the unidentifiable Third World haute cuisine that done-in their colon? I’ll tell you who: not me, that’s who.

And that’s where a bidet comes in handy. And hallelujah praise the Lord we had one in our hotel in Ushuaia, because I was living in desperate times.

Bidets work like fountains, like those outside the Bellagio in Vegas (although I fear the ass big enough to rinse with the fountains at the Bellagio). Like a little geyser that lost a bet, a bidet shoots a stream of climate-controlled water upward - ideal for cleansing ol’ Mr. Brown Eye. The water temperature is adjustable - there are hot and cold water knobs, just like in a bathtub - to prevent an unwanted blast of frigid water into one’s nether-crevice or the sudden scalding of one’s anus.

Unfortunately, we had a shy bidet (not much spurt) and so cleaning up the ecological disaster I created could not be done (fountain wouldn’t reach the no-no place), meaning I had to shower (thank God there was a handheld showerhead, the first I’d seen in Argentina), which is when I learned that no amount of yoga poses was going to do the trick so eventually I borrowed a technique I read about in Morocco and just left-handed it.

6 Comments »

Comment by G$

04.4.07 @ 9:19 am

OK…. I’ll be the first to say it….

TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!! ;-)

Carry on…..

Comment by El Raymundo

04.4.07 @ 9:27 am

OK…. I’ll be the first to say it….

TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!! ;-)

Funny, that’s what La Raymunda said too. A theme emerges…

Comment by Monster Rod Von Hugenstein

04.4.07 @ 10:49 am

Let me understand … we don’t touch our own butts while we are showering normally? We are somehow fearful that our fingers might be tempted by the gravitational pull of Mr Brown Eye while showering? That Mr. Brown Eye is so tempting that only water (and yikes!) and a soon-to-be-incinerated washcloth meets Mr. Brown Eye in the shower?

Or that we left handed on the toilet because the bidet was shy?

- Signed “not fearing my anus” and “it’s only shit” and “repeat after me, my anus is my friend” from Virginia.

Comment by Jeff W

04.5.07 @ 9:28 am

Isn’t it about time to add “Scatological” to your categories on the right? Remember World, White people need a clean place to go to the bathroom.

Comment by Elgordonck

06.27.07 @ 9:15 am

I have never quite understood the bidet … even though I live this close to France.
Can anyone tell me how one uses the bidet? Do you just let the water clatter up and against hoping it will wash away whatever you want to have washed away? Or do you still use TP after that?
If so, how do you prevent going through the now even wetter TP?
Or does your bidet have enough force that you can also use it to clean the car. Bellagio-force.

Can anyone enlighten me?

Comment by Elgordonck

06.27.07 @ 9:17 am

By the way dude … looking at the picture you took of La Bidetta Argentina … it’s a good thing it was there … cause it looks like you ran out of TP ;)

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