“Why,” I asked my non-cracker friend Bernard, “are white people called crackers?”

“I think it has to do with the complexion of your skin resembling that of a Ritz cracker.”

“A Ritz?”

“No, that’s not right…”

“You mean a Saltine.”

“Yeah, a Saltine.”

“Interesting.”

“Yeah, I don’t know why people have to go and come up with things like that.”

“Well, something had to be done; no one was offended by honky.” Bernard laughed as he pulled into a parking space. “A slur doesn’t work if no one is offended by it.”

“Good point,” he said.

“We do look kind of like Saltines, though. And here’s a little known fact: white people are salty.”

“I suppose everyone is salty.”

“No, I mean we have little grains of salt stuck to us, like Saltines. It’s just hard to see because of our color. But give us a lick sometime. Good stuff.”

“Oh, one other thing – we’re very tasty with peanut butter.”

An email came in today at the Place of Toil and Labor saying, more or less, “GAAAH! WE MUST DO THIS NOW IT’S AN EMERGENCY GAAAAAAH!”

These situations always amuse me.

After reading the email, I stood on my office chair and leaned over the cube wall.

“In situations like these,” I said to Tom and Bernard, “I always ask myself, ‘WWBHD - what would Billie Holiday do?

She’d shoot heroin, go to a smoky bar, sing a song lying on a piano, and Dean would forget all about his emergency.’”

On this day in 1914 the Archduke of Austria, Francis Ferdinand, and his wife Sofia were shot and killed by a Serb. By August of that year Europe was in flames. World War I had begun. Empires would crumble along with 300 years of European world domination. Oh, and fifteen million people would die.

The armistice which formally ended World War I was signed on November 11, 1918. We still celebrate the signing of that armistice every November 11 on Veteran’s Day.

The Second World War erupted from the aftermath of the First World War. More than sixty million people died as a result of the conflict. Nuclear weapons first appeared and the USA and Soviet Union emerged as world superpowers. The Cold War, a 45 year ideological – and sometimes bloody - conflict ensued.

And now here we are living in a world of iPods and terrorism and the World Wide Web, a world begat by events of the Cold War, which was begat by the Second World War, which was begat by the First World War, which was begat by a Serb putting a bullet in the head of the Archduke of Austria on this day 92 years ago in 1914.

Forgotten? - D.C. World War I Memorial, Washington, D.C.
06.11.2006 ©Michael Raymond 2006

Breadline - FDR Memorial, Washington, D.C.
06.11.2006 ©Michael Raymond 2006

There are days where nothing happens. There’s nothing to write about, nothing to say. A blank page in the diary. An uncircled day on the calendar. A momentous vitas interruptus.

Today was one of those days.

It’s been the kind of day that was easy enough to get through, if all you had in mind was survival. It’s been the kind of day that, when The Moment comes and it’s time to cash in your chips and scootch away from The Big Table that you feel like you got gypped, like you should be able to negotiate a one-day credit with God. “Hey God, remember that day in June 2006 where nothing happened? That was a total waste. I’d like a credit for that day. I might as well have been dead already for all the life I got out of that one.”

It’s not bloody likely anyone of Omnipotence will buy that argument, but I suppose it’s worth keeping in the back pocket just in case. That’s why I’m writing this down now, you see, in case in death I’m allowed to bring a Palm Pilot or a Blackberry or a small spiral notebook on the journey. When I get to the pearly gates I plan to refer to this little story and remind the Big Guy that I am owed for June 26 2006.

So I’m intrigued – very curious indeed. I need to consult with Those of Omnipotence about this idea of life-credits for wasted days (he says as he ambles off to bed, wondering if there is a way to get back all those bleak wasted days spent withering at his old job…)

For Ted Russell (Guadalcanal ‘42) and Bob Chisnell (Guadalcanal ‘44)
WWII Memorial, Washington, D.C.
06.11.2006 ©Michael Raymond 2006

I seriously think I may have a touch of the ol’ ADD. Check this out:

History of distractibility, short attention span, impulsivity or restlessness.

Check.

History of not living up to potential in school or work (report cards with comments such as “not living up to potential”).

Check.

History of frequent behavior problems in school (mostly for males).

Check.

Short attention span, unless very interested in something.

Check.

Easily distracted, tendency to drift away (although at times can be hyperfocused).

Check.

Easily distracted during sex, causing frequent breaks or turn-offs during lovemaking.

No way man.

Restlessness, constant motion, legs moving, fidgeting.

Check.

Has to be moving in order to think.

Check.

Impatient, low frustration tolerance.

Check.

Trouble maintaining an organized work/living area.

Um, yes.

Often have piles of stuff.

Oh boy. Check.

Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started.

Sigh. Check.

Starting projects but not finishing them, poor follow through.

Check.

Enthusiastic beginnings but poor endings.

Check.

Rage outbursts, short fuse.

Only when driving. And putting together furniture from IKEA.

Tendency toward ADHD addictions (food, alcohol, drugs, work).

Food - No. Alcohol - No. Drugs - No. Work - HA! Definitely not!

Turn words around in conversations.

Constantly.

Poor writing skills (hard to get information from brain to pen).

Only in very specialized situations.

Poor handwriting, often prints.

Good God yes.

Falls asleep or becomes tired while reading.

Three pages. Max. Then it’s lights-out. So that’s a roger wilco.

I am intrigued. Definitely intrigued. And to think, if I do have this and have had it forever then that means I once was simultaneously epileptic and ADD. Now that’s one weird-wired kid!

So who do I see about this? Anyone know?

Source: http://www.addresources.org/article_checklist_amen.php

Two of My Favorites - MegaJan and William - FDR Memorial, Washington, D.C.
06.11.2006 ©Michael Raymond 2006

Gary: Dude, you and your buddy Ian look like you could be brothers!
Me: Wha-a-a-a-t?
Gary: Serious! Brutha from anutha mutha maybe!

I ran a little informal chat poll. Twelve out of thirteen people surveyed thought Ian and I looked a lot alike. Tamsen took it a step further: “Your tongues are very similar.”

That’s just great. Thanks, Tam. Love ya babe.

So now I have to call Ian and figure out if this is a mailman/milkman thing or a metermaid/waitress thing.