Mets 6, Nats 2, Michael 10,000 Megabazillion

Posted by: elraymundo at 6:00 pm on Monday, July 20, 2009
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: Euphoria, Friends, Sports

I went to watch the Nats play the Mets with Jeff W on a perfect summer night with soft air slipping around the upper decks as we sipped Newcastle and he kept score and I rambled on about past injustices and hopes for restoration and how good it felt to be back home in a place we hadn’t really realized had become home after all these years and how peaceful and relaxed it was to hang out with an old friend and just freakin’ be and not worry about this and that and the other and backstory and commas and the correct use of the subjunctive and hopefully, I thought and I think said out loud, this will become a common occurrence, me going to the ballgame with Jeff and the sun slowly set and draped the night sky in my favorite cloak of velvet indigo and the Nats got pounded for their 66th loss of the season as they round second heading for third in what may shape up to be the third most futile season in major league history but we still aren’t as bad as the ‘62 Mets so take that you smarmy obnoxious Mets fans. Salute!

Right Field at the Nats Game
I double-dog dare you to find a better way to spend a summer night that doesn’t involve a Brazilian underwear model

Conference on the Mound
Candlesticks always make a nice gift…

Ok, had to add this comment Sue made to me in chat after she read this post. She and Jefferoo live in Boston, just to put things in context.

Sue: There really is nothing like a baseball game on a beautiful summer night
Sue: with 5-6 beers
Sue: and people yelling “fahhhhk you Jetahhh” behind you
Sue: fenway of course :) :)

(Hope you don’t mind my publishing you, Sue!)

I Demand That They Yiff in Hell!

Posted by: elraymundo at 10:56 am on Monday, December 10, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: Random, NFL, Jokes, Euphoria, Jeep, Sports, Minnesota

I put the top up on the Jeep last week when I had my interview at The Pope’s Hat. I’ve kept it on since - although I was tempted to take it down so I could drive around while the snow fell. The great thing is that driving with the top up is almost as much fun as with it down. Since it’s a canvas top it’s like being inside a tent, but a tent that I can drive around.

***** ***** *****

Shockingly, The Purple, who were 3-6 four weeks ago, is now the team to beat for the final wildcard spot in the NFC. Despite our all-universe rookie running back only gaining three yards on fourteen carries yesterday, we still beat the 49ers 27-7 to win our fourth straight and improved our record to 7-6.

Miami continues its Bataan Death March toward ignominy. They lost to Buffalo 38-17 and are now 13-0. As an added bonus, they’ve moved past the 2001 Lions and the 1977 Buccaneers on the list of All Time Futility.

The worst starts ever:

0-14 1976 Buccaneers (never won)
0-14 1980 Saints
0-13 2007 Dolphins
0-13 1986 Colts
0-12 2001 Lions
0-12 1977 Buccaneers
0-11 2000 Chargers
0-11 1984 Bills
0-11 1975 Chargers

It doesn’t get any better, either. The Dolphins still have to play Baltimore, New England and Cincinnati. Ouch.

And I know Craig M is down there in central Florida, rabid Bucs fan that he is, just drooling  over the possibility of the Dolphins knocking his team off the top of this particular list.

***** ***** *****

I am a regular poster on a football web forum. Today, a fellow member sent me this video, which anyone who has ever hung out in forums will appreciate.

Warning: Contains strong language and Nazis.

My favorite line: “I demand that they yiff in Hell!”

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Smushed Like A Melon

Posted by: elraymundo at 12:52 pm on Monday, December 3, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: NFL, Sports

I have to be careful here, because the last time I gloated over gut-stomping the Detroit Lions it was 1998 and the Vikings turned around and lost the very next game to the Bucs, 27-24. That 1998 team went 15-1 in the regular season and then went Wide Left in the NFC Championship game against Atlanta.

I have always maintained Sherman wasn’t thorough enough in 1865 and look, the Falcons proved me right.

Anyway, the Vikings are the Red Sox of the NFL. They have Buckner, we have Wide Left. They have Bucky Dent, we have Drew Pearson. And I’m sure there are other parallels but I’m hungry and cranky and not feeling like researching it further. Besides, their pain, as The Voice says in Field of Dreams, has been eased.

But I digress.

The good news: my humble, bumbling, good-for-nothing Vikes put an epic whipping on the Lions yesterday which was so thorough, and so dominant, that I…well…I dunno what. But it was really, really great. (How’s that for inspired writing? “It was really, really great.”)

How bad was it? It was 42-10 bad. It was scoring six touchdowns on our first six possessions bad. It was colossal. Stupendous! It was…must I say it? (”You must, you must!” said the sheriff of Rock Ridge.) It was glorious.

I don’t want to get all weird and junior high about a football team, but somehow, miraculously, this team that started 3-6 is now 6-6 and is in the thick of the playoff hunt. Not only in the thick of it but actually favored to win one of the spots.

Can I have an amen? Hallelujah! TESTIFY!

On the flip side, the Miami Dolphins keep losing. I’ve never really cared for Miami and their whole champagne-popping shtick. I always hated that U-shaped thing on Larry Csonka’s helmet and that 1974 Super Bowl VIII thing still bugs me. (Yeah, yeah, I should let it go. So I hold sports grudges. Sue me.)

Anyway, no team in NFL history has ever gone 0-16. The league moved to a 16 game schedule in 1978 and two years prior to that the Bucs went 0-14. (And 0-12 into the next season, going a mind-numbing 0-26 before finally winning the franchise’s first game. It’s knowledge like that which convinces me that one day, in my lifetime, the football gods will deliver a Super Bowl to my beloved Purple…I mean, Tampa Bay won one. That’s akin to Gollum falling into Mt Doom with the Ring. It was the beginning of the end of all things.)

Anyway (redux), here is the current roll call of teams among which the 2007 Dolphins find themselves as they desperately try to avoid their head-on collision with infamy.

1975 Chargers 0-11 before winning a game
1984 Bills 0-11 before winning a game
2000 Chargers 0-11 before winning a game
1977 Buccaneers 0-12 before winning a game
2001 Lions 0-12 before winning a game
2007 Dolphins 0-12
1986 Colts 0-13 before winning a game
1980 Saints 0-14 before winning a game
1976 Buccaneers 0-14 these schmucks never won that year

Anyone remember that scene in Silver Streak where the bad guy on the runaway train gets hung out the locomotive and can’t pull his body up and into the train in time to avoid his head being smushed like a melon against an oncoming rail yard switch? That’s gotta be what the players in Miami are feeling like right about now. I mean, they just got whacked by the Jets…the Jets!!!…to the tune of 40-13. And the Jets suck. And now here comes that switch.

P.S. While double-checking my facts I found quite possible the most horrible designed website ever. Look here…it scrolls!!!

GQ Don’t Skate!

Posted by: elraymundo at 3:34 pm on Monday, November 5, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: NFL, Friends, Sports

Last night I went to John’s to watch the Colts-Pats game. Because both teams were undefeated and, by a large margin, the best teams in either conference, it was billed as the Match of the Century, a Clash of the Titans, a Spectacle the Likes of Which We’ve Never Seen. (Well, not since red robot took out blue robot with one punch to the jaw in a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots World Title bout in my backyard in 1972, anyway).

Five of us watched the game together. John and his wife Elisa, Nick and his wife Laura, and me. Two white couples and a white guy.

Sometime during the game there was a commercial for an SUV. The family in the commercial was black. Two adults (heterosexual, of course), two boys and two girls, as I recall. They all piled into the SUV for a drive and the camera angle changed to a shot from the back of the SUV - ostensibly to show this happy family of six in their roomy SUV and how the SUV promoted togetherness and happiness, family bonding and joy.

The SUV sported two flip-down TVs - one each for the front and rear benches. The two younger kids sat on the front bench watching a cartoon. The older kids sat in the rear watching hockey.

At this point Nick said, “Black people. Watching hockey.”

“I say it’s not happening,” I said. Nick nodded his head. John did too.

“You need to check with Bernard on this, Michael,” said John. “Get a ruling.”

I called Bernard this morning and told him about the commercial. He laughed.

“Hockey?” he said. “Hockey? Nooooooooo…”

“That’s what we thought, too, Bernard.”

“Well, we have had a couple, you know,” he added.

“Grant Fuhr, yes, but that’s it that I know of.”

“I tried ice skating once,” said Bernard after a pause. “It didn’t go well. My body went one way, my glasses another…” and while he’s speaking I’m picturing Bernard, a very sharp GQ-style dresser, doing the splits in fine twill pants, his arms waving wildly from inside his cashmere black turtleneck, with brightly polished skates covered in snow, bending his ankles at impossible angles while his rakishly-angled driving cap sails across the ice like so many octopi at a Red Wings game.

I’m reminded of a slow Saturday back when I was in college. It was my first year at UC Davis and I was at a friend’s house killing the day in front of the tube. A commercial came on showing a bunch of redneck white guys jammed into midget go-karts, steering wheels up between their knees, racing around a bumpy dirt track. Margo, a black woman, looked at me and then back at the TV, her face expressing utter incomprehension.

“I just don’t get you folks,” she said as she watched the ridiculous-looking midget go-karts zoom around the track. “White people will race anything.”

Holy Smokes, Things Are Worse Than I Thought!

Posted by: elraymundo at 10:46 am on Wednesday, October 31, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: NFL, Sports, Minnesota

According to this caption on Sports Illustrated’s website, Cris Carter played in EIGHT STRAIGHT SUPER BOWLS with the Minnesota Vikings. Eight!

Well, I know we didn’t win any of them. And we went to four before Cris got here and we lost those too, so I guess that means the Vikings have been 12 times and lost them all. Things are much worse than I thought!

I mean, mad props to Cris for the HoF nomination - I’m sure he’ll be a first-ballot election…but couldn’t he have won just ONE of those eight Super Bowls?

(Sorry for the blurry screen cap, folks - I only have MS Paint on the lappie. Blech.)

Screenshot from

Torii Hunter Is Outta Here

Posted by: elraymundo at 10:36 am on Tuesday, October 30, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: Sports, Minnesota

Ah, what a day.

Just read that Torii Hunter has filed for free agency.

The Twins have 15 days of exclusive negotiating rights with Torii but we all know that Carl Pohlad is too cheap to cough up the bucks necessary to sign him.

By the middle of November we’ll be able to add Torii to this list of superstar athletes that escaped Minnesota:

  • Randy Moss
  • Kevin Garnett
  • David Ortiz
  • Fran Tarkenton (but we got him back)
  • Rod Carew