I Demand That They Yiff in Hell!

Posted by: elraymundo at 10:56 am on Monday, December 10, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: Random, NFL, Jokes, Euphoria, Jeep, Sports, Minnesota

I put the top up on the Jeep last week when I had my interview at The Pope’s Hat. I’ve kept it on since - although I was tempted to take it down so I could drive around while the snow fell. The great thing is that driving with the top up is almost as much fun as with it down. Since it’s a canvas top it’s like being inside a tent, but a tent that I can drive around.

***** ***** *****

Shockingly, The Purple, who were 3-6 four weeks ago, is now the team to beat for the final wildcard spot in the NFC. Despite our all-universe rookie running back only gaining three yards on fourteen carries yesterday, we still beat the 49ers 27-7 to win our fourth straight and improved our record to 7-6.

Miami continues its Bataan Death March toward ignominy. They lost to Buffalo 38-17 and are now 13-0. As an added bonus, they’ve moved past the 2001 Lions and the 1977 Buccaneers on the list of All Time Futility.

The worst starts ever:

0-14 1976 Buccaneers (never won)
0-14 1980 Saints
0-13 2007 Dolphins
0-13 1986 Colts
0-12 2001 Lions
0-12 1977 Buccaneers
0-11 2000 Chargers
0-11 1984 Bills
0-11 1975 Chargers

It doesn’t get any better, either. The Dolphins still have to play Baltimore, New England and Cincinnati. Ouch.

And I know Craig M is down there in central Florida, rabid Bucs fan that he is, just drooling  over the possibility of the Dolphins knocking his team off the top of this particular list.

***** ***** *****

I am a regular poster on a football web forum. Today, a fellow member sent me this video, which anyone who has ever hung out in forums will appreciate.

Warning: Contains strong language and Nazis.

My favorite line: “I demand that they yiff in Hell!”

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Three-Ball Sack

Posted by: elraymundo at 12:07 am on Tuesday, December 4, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: NFL, Jokes

I spend a fair amount of time posting to an online NFL forum, usually in the Minnesota Vikings area. Recently, we engaged in a discussion about Kenechi Udeze, one of the team’s defensive ends, and the news that he recently became a father for the first time.

Moi: However, it doesn’t do anyone a damn bit of good to come into a thread written to congratulate a man about the birth of his newborn son…

Vike Daddy: girl.

Moi: Well, they say it’s a game of inches.

Purple-Pride07: Common mistake

Moi: You are so right. Once, I was in this bar in Juarez, and this girl that I thought was…oh, hang on, game’s about to start…

Then the discussion turned to who was the best punter in the team’s history.

mnfreak12786: I’d give an edge to Berger because of his kickoff abilities

Enrage: Berger mostly didn’t have the kicking distraction of K-balls. [K-Balls are footballs reserved only for kicking.]

Moi: I’m going to write a letter to both Kevin and Pat Williams and ask them to change their last names to Balls. Then we can call them K-Balls and Phat Balls. Maybe one of them has a cousin named Orlando that we can sign as a defensive end. Then we’ll have O-Balls to go along with our two Balls. If they all hit the QB at the same time it would be a rare three-Balls sack. Find just one more Balls and we could have an All Balls defensive line. Imagine the goal line stand: “The Vikings defense is backed up to their own goal line. They have their Balls to the wall now.”

Damn I’m brilliant, lucid and articulate…and astonishingly good looking…when I’m drinking.

Smushed Like A Melon

Posted by: elraymundo at 12:52 pm on Monday, December 3, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: NFL, Sports

I have to be careful here, because the last time I gloated over gut-stomping the Detroit Lions it was 1998 and the Vikings turned around and lost the very next game to the Bucs, 27-24. That 1998 team went 15-1 in the regular season and then went Wide Left in the NFC Championship game against Atlanta.

I have always maintained Sherman wasn’t thorough enough in 1865 and look, the Falcons proved me right.

Anyway, the Vikings are the Red Sox of the NFL. They have Buckner, we have Wide Left. They have Bucky Dent, we have Drew Pearson. And I’m sure there are other parallels but I’m hungry and cranky and not feeling like researching it further. Besides, their pain, as The Voice says in Field of Dreams, has been eased.

But I digress.

The good news: my humble, bumbling, good-for-nothing Vikes put an epic whipping on the Lions yesterday which was so thorough, and so dominant, that I…well…I dunno what. But it was really, really great. (How’s that for inspired writing? “It was really, really great.”)

How bad was it? It was 42-10 bad. It was scoring six touchdowns on our first six possessions bad. It was colossal. Stupendous! It was…must I say it? (”You must, you must!” said the sheriff of Rock Ridge.) It was glorious.

I don’t want to get all weird and junior high about a football team, but somehow, miraculously, this team that started 3-6 is now 6-6 and is in the thick of the playoff hunt. Not only in the thick of it but actually favored to win one of the spots.

Can I have an amen? Hallelujah! TESTIFY!

On the flip side, the Miami Dolphins keep losing. I’ve never really cared for Miami and their whole champagne-popping shtick. I always hated that U-shaped thing on Larry Csonka’s helmet and that 1974 Super Bowl VIII thing still bugs me. (Yeah, yeah, I should let it go. So I hold sports grudges. Sue me.)

Anyway, no team in NFL history has ever gone 0-16. The league moved to a 16 game schedule in 1978 and two years prior to that the Bucs went 0-14. (And 0-12 into the next season, going a mind-numbing 0-26 before finally winning the franchise’s first game. It’s knowledge like that which convinces me that one day, in my lifetime, the football gods will deliver a Super Bowl to my beloved Purple…I mean, Tampa Bay won one. That’s akin to Gollum falling into Mt Doom with the Ring. It was the beginning of the end of all things.)

Anyway (redux), here is the current roll call of teams among which the 2007 Dolphins find themselves as they desperately try to avoid their head-on collision with infamy.

1975 Chargers 0-11 before winning a game
1984 Bills 0-11 before winning a game
2000 Chargers 0-11 before winning a game
1977 Buccaneers 0-12 before winning a game
2001 Lions 0-12 before winning a game
2007 Dolphins 0-12
1986 Colts 0-13 before winning a game
1980 Saints 0-14 before winning a game
1976 Buccaneers 0-14 these schmucks never won that year

Anyone remember that scene in Silver Streak where the bad guy on the runaway train gets hung out the locomotive and can’t pull his body up and into the train in time to avoid his head being smushed like a melon against an oncoming rail yard switch? That’s gotta be what the players in Miami are feeling like right about now. I mean, they just got whacked by the Jets…the Jets!!!…to the tune of 40-13. And the Jets suck. And now here comes that switch.

P.S. While double-checking my facts I found quite possible the most horrible designed website ever. Look here…it scrolls!!!

GQ Don’t Skate!

Posted by: elraymundo at 3:34 pm on Monday, November 5, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: NFL, Friends, Sports

Last night I went to John’s to watch the Colts-Pats game. Because both teams were undefeated and, by a large margin, the best teams in either conference, it was billed as the Match of the Century, a Clash of the Titans, a Spectacle the Likes of Which We’ve Never Seen. (Well, not since red robot took out blue robot with one punch to the jaw in a Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots World Title bout in my backyard in 1972, anyway).

Five of us watched the game together. John and his wife Elisa, Nick and his wife Laura, and me. Two white couples and a white guy.

Sometime during the game there was a commercial for an SUV. The family in the commercial was black. Two adults (heterosexual, of course), two boys and two girls, as I recall. They all piled into the SUV for a drive and the camera angle changed to a shot from the back of the SUV - ostensibly to show this happy family of six in their roomy SUV and how the SUV promoted togetherness and happiness, family bonding and joy.

The SUV sported two flip-down TVs - one each for the front and rear benches. The two younger kids sat on the front bench watching a cartoon. The older kids sat in the rear watching hockey.

At this point Nick said, “Black people. Watching hockey.”

“I say it’s not happening,” I said. Nick nodded his head. John did too.

“You need to check with Bernard on this, Michael,” said John. “Get a ruling.”

I called Bernard this morning and told him about the commercial. He laughed.

“Hockey?” he said. “Hockey? Nooooooooo…”

“That’s what we thought, too, Bernard.”

“Well, we have had a couple, you know,” he added.

“Grant Fuhr, yes, but that’s it that I know of.”

“I tried ice skating once,” said Bernard after a pause. “It didn’t go well. My body went one way, my glasses another…” and while he’s speaking I’m picturing Bernard, a very sharp GQ-style dresser, doing the splits in fine twill pants, his arms waving wildly from inside his cashmere black turtleneck, with brightly polished skates covered in snow, bending his ankles at impossible angles while his rakishly-angled driving cap sails across the ice like so many octopi at a Red Wings game.

I’m reminded of a slow Saturday back when I was in college. It was my first year at UC Davis and I was at a friend’s house killing the day in front of the tube. A commercial came on showing a bunch of redneck white guys jammed into midget go-karts, steering wheels up between their knees, racing around a bumpy dirt track. Margo, a black woman, looked at me and then back at the TV, her face expressing utter incomprehension.

“I just don’t get you folks,” she said as she watched the ridiculous-looking midget go-karts zoom around the track. “White people will race anything.”

Holy Smokes, Things Are Worse Than I Thought!

Posted by: elraymundo at 10:46 am on Wednesday, October 31, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: NFL, Sports, Minnesota

According to this caption on Sports Illustrated’s website, Cris Carter played in EIGHT STRAIGHT SUPER BOWLS with the Minnesota Vikings. Eight!

Well, I know we didn’t win any of them. And we went to four before Cris got here and we lost those too, so I guess that means the Vikings have been 12 times and lost them all. Things are much worse than I thought!

I mean, mad props to Cris for the HoF nomination - I’m sure he’ll be a first-ballot election…but couldn’t he have won just ONE of those eight Super Bowls?

(Sorry for the blurry screen cap, folks - I only have MS Paint on the lappie. Blech.)

Screenshot from si.com

Annus Mirabilis

Posted by: elraymundo at 10:01 am on Monday, October 29, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: NFL

The history of the Minnesota Vikings franchise is littered with crushed hopes and the flamed-out wrecks of lost opportunities. Four Super Bowl losses (three in four years), the Push-Off in 1975, the Herschel Walker trade that built the Dallas dynasty of the early Nineties, Wide Left in 1998, 41-donut in 2000. Until a couple of years ago the Vikings were the Boston Red Sox of the NFL – always close, never close enough. Now the Red Sox have won two World Series championships and even the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, whose 0-26 start in the NFL inspired coach John McKay to quip, when asked what he thought about his team’s execution, “I’m in favor of it,” have won a Super Bowl.

The longest run from scrimmage in NFL history came against Minnesota in 1983 (99 yards, Tony Dorsett, playing for the Dallas Cowboys), for close to twenty years the most rushing yards ever put up in game came against the Vikings (Walter Payton did it - 275 yards). The Vikings were the first 15-1 team to not make the Super Bowl. Then there is Steve Young’s famous stumbling bobbing-and-weaving scramble through the entire Minnesota defense for a game-clinching touchdown in the playoffs. They took that one and put it in a commercial.

Yes, it’s been a history of epic collapses. But for the last several seasons the Vikings had one claim to fame: the 1998 Vikings scored more points, 556, than any team in NFL history.

(We once had other claims, but all of Tarkenton’s records were eclipsed by Dan Marino and a punter - a punter! - broke Jim Marshal’s 282 consecutive games started streak a couple of years back. There’s still Paul Krause’s record for interceptions in a career, though. 81.)

But now the record for offensive prolificacy is about to go up in smoke.

The Patriots just hung 52 points on Washington. According to Sports Illustrated the Patriots are on a pace to score 662 points - shattering the Minnesota mark by, oh, 106 points (or as many as the typical Baltimore Raven offense scores in a full season).

The sadist in me wants to see the Patriots fail. To have something heartbreaking happen to deny them the record and preserve, for a while longer at least, this one positive thing Minnesota has in the NFL record books. But New England is having a season for the ages, an annus mirabilis of the gridiron, the kind of football season that just doesn’t come along very often, if ever. They legitimately could run the table and end all the annual crap about the ‘72 Dolphins and all those idiotic stories about old men popping champagne corks. So, with all that in mind, I’ve decided to embrace the moment and pull for the Patriots to win it all this year. To go 19-0, to score 662 points and for Randy Moss to finally get his ring.

At least then the record will have fallen to a juggernaut worthy of the record and not some pansy team like the 2001 Rams.

Then maybe, just maybe, the football gods will decide the Vikings and their fans have suffered long enough and allow them the championship they’ve so heartbreakingly never won.

But I’m not holding my breath.

Office Pool - Week One

Posted by: elraymundo at 4:33 pm on Monday, September 10, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: Random, NFL, Euphoria, Lotus Blossom

I correctly picked 12 of 14 NFL winners this weekend and am tied for first in the weekly office pool. The kitty isn’t huge, only $75, but if the Ravens, Bengals, 49ers and Cardinals score 69 points combined (or higher) tonight then that seventy-five bucks is mine. Mine! Mine all mine, I tell you! I’ll travel the world in a private jet! Buy a fleet of Lamborghinis! Do a line of coke off Angelina Jolie’s butt cheek! Or finally get that bluewater yacht I’ve been dreaming about! Or maybe a manor house in Normandy!!!

Hmmm…or perhaps take La Raymunda to Outback for a filet, a Bloomin’ Onion and a couple of Newcastle Brown Ales. Or Famous Dave’s for a Devil’s Spit burger. I likes me a Devil’s Spit burger.


Posted by: elraymundo at 10:23 am on Thursday, September 6, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: Random, NFL

Leona Hemsley’s toy Maltese, Trouble, inherited 12 million dollars and now people want Trouble to make room at the dog dish:

“That dog got money. That money is going to be taken away from that dog.”

–Remus Pop, son of Zamfira Sfara, Leona Helmsley’s housekeeper


El Raymundo: Lunch?
Friend A: Yes please, anything NOT to go to lunch with John “It’s a Gay Gene, I can tell” Doe
El Raymundo: Oh, in that case we must, over a roast beef on wheat, discuss the ramifications of the Kant-Laplace Nebular Hypothesis on the impact of the infield fly rule.
El Raymundo: And I simply don’t think John “If Science Can Prove That Homosexuality Is Predetermined Then I Guess I Am OK With Them Having Basic Civil Rights” Doe is up to speed on all that.
Friend A: location and time please
El Raymundo: Quizno’s @ 11:15?
Friend A: Meet you there?
El Raymundo: Oui.
Friend A: So be it.
El Raymundo: I may have to blog the beginning of this conversation.
El Raymundo: Changing the name to protect the stupid and the bigoted, of course.


This means something only to fans of the Minnesota Vikings:

Massive defensive tackle “Phat” Pat Williams had his contracted extended and is expected to sign it on Friday. This is great news for our defense and prompted me to write a Phaiku:

Guard squished like pancake
Green rain from bright purple skies
Ribs are damn good eats


Bono (U2) is at a concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone… “Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence…

“Fookin stop doing it then!”


Michelle D: what do you think about this whole myspace thing?
El Raymundo: I hate myspace. I loathe it. I think it’s crap.
El Raymundo: I would rather disembowel myself than have a myspace page.
Michelle D: why?
El Raymundo: It’s web for the unwashed masses.
Michelle D: hmmm
Michelle D: i see
Michelle D: dan says it is about networking
El Raymundo: It’s about dorks on the web finding each other so they can dance in a dork field filled with dork flowers while sticking their tongues to frozen dork maypoles.


Why Men Are Better Friends (emailed by Chrisuvius)

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Gunfight at the Tender Thigh Corral

Posted by: elraymundo at 7:37 am on Monday, April 30, 2007
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: Politics, NFL, Stupid People, News of the Clever

Jeff Watson AI Threat Level: Green - The reader may proceed without danger of reading anything related to American Idol.

- - - - -

Missed the video of George Bush dancing onstage with Africans, banging bongos and making chimp face? Already seen the clip but need something to kickstart your morning? Click here.

Yvette S. once said, “I’ve heard Bush is a great guy, a guy people can relate to, someone they feel like they could hang out with down at the local bar. The problem is I think for President of the United States and Leader of the Free World that we should aim a little higher than ‘good drinking buddy’.”

- - - - -

The NFL draft was this weekend. Minnesota drafted seventh in the first round and picked Adrian Peterson, a running back out of Oklahoma. I think Vikings fans are going to like Mr. Peterson very very much. Watch this (especially the two back-to-back runs starting at 0:52 and then the last two runs in the clip - ZOINKS!) if you want to feel old and slow.

- - - - -

I ran fifteen miles on Sunday, watching the second day of the NFL draft to keep my mind occupied, then mowed the lawn afterwards. I could barely walk to push the mower, not because of muscle soreness or tiredness, but because I’d chafed the sensitive inner bits of my legs. I spent half of Sunday walking around like a bow-legged cowboy getting ready for a shootout at the Tender Thigh Corral. By the feel of things, today will be more of the same.

This would be way cooler if I had some chaps.

Total miles run to date: 203 miles
Longest distance run to date: 15 miles
Upcoming longest distance: 16 miles.
Upcoming miles this week: 32 miles

To Hear the Lamentation of the Women

Posted by: elraymundo at 8:44 am on Monday, September 18, 2006
From: Great Falls, Virginia
Filed under: NFL, Euphoria

Ah, what a day Sunday was!

The Vikings won a game against a team that was supposed to be a Super Bowl contender, the Carolina Panthers, and are now 2-0 to start the season.

The Twins won and the Tigers and White Sox both lost. The Twins moved up to just one game out of first in the AL Central and extended their wild card lead over the White Sox to four games with thirteen left to play.

Two of my least favorite football teams suffered setbacks. Considering they were playing each other, either Washington or Dallas was going to come out with a win but the football gods smiled on me! Dallas won, sending Washington to an 0-2 start, and Terrell Owens, now playing wideout for Dallas and the only player I actively wish evil upon, broke his finger and will be out 2-4 weeks. Hooray daily double!

Oh, and I destroyed both my fantasy football opponents.

This paraphrase of Conan the Barbarian sums up my Sunday nicely:

Mongol General: We have won again! That is good! But what is best in life?
El Raymundo: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women.
Mongol General: Yes, El Raymundo, that is good.

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