“The researchers found one way such whirling matter could result is if a black hole plunged into a star and began eating it from the inside. As the black hole ripped the star apart, its remains could twirl apart in precisely the right way needed for a long gamma-ray burst.”

I need a black hole to plunge into the twenty-six page document I am reviewing today. Wouldn’t that be a great excuse for not finishing? “Sorry, boss. Black hole ate the document.”

Linkee here.

I surfed to a website called thefreedictionary.com because I was writing a smart-ass email making fun of a poorly written document and I wanted to make sure I remembered correctly that the word but is a conjunction, since it’s usually a good idea to make sure your own house has no glass walls before you go throwing rocks.

Anyway, I ended up not sending the email due to a suddent attack of tolerance. But I did notice these two advertisements on the dictionary website when I looked up the word but:

Girl Buts - up to 75% Less
Incredible prices. Find girl buts & save up to 75%.

Hot Chicks Making Out
Find hot chicks making out and Compare prices at Smarter.com.

Now, if you’ll pardon me, that’s just stupid.

Dr. Sinister has returned to Government Building X!

BWEEP! BWEEP! BWEEP!

“May I have your attention please. May I have your attention please. We are conducting a test of the emergency fire alarm system. Please pay no attention to the young men running through the halls with dynamite strapped to their chests.”

BWEEP! BWEEP! BWEEP!

I’m just waiting for the BOOM.

(I swear to God he’s broadcasting from a missile silo in the heart of a volcano.)

A thunderstorm rolled through this evening with lightning flashing and thunder rumbling and rain blattering against the windows. Debra asked me, “What was that sound?” and I told her it was the rain hitting the windows and the sides of the townhouse. Then she heard something else and asked what it was and I told her it was really low, rolling thunder. She asked a third time and I stopped her and asked, “Have you completely forgotten what rain is like?”

She said yes.

“You know what I thought as I was driving home from Le Chef’s today?” asked The Debra over a plate of noodles, eggplant and tomato sauce.

“Tell me,” I said.

“It was raining and I thought, ‘This is free water!’ Because in Calitastrophe, outside of February, you pay for every drop of water you use. Isn’t this great? It’s free!“

*****

There was a fire alarm at Government Building X today. We knew it was coming - there had been announcements all week long telling us to expect the tests. What we didn’t expect was the very malevolent Arab voice that broadcast the beginning and end of the test. Between blasts of an air horn that dripped with the kind of reverb one might hear in a massive airplane hangar, the voice announced the commencement of the test. To be honest, when he started to speak I thought he was going to tell us that he had taken control of the building and that if we didn’t cooperate he was going to blow us all to kingdom come. The entire test had the ambient feel of a Bond movie from the Sixties…one of those films where Dr. Sinister takes over a small island in the South Pacific and builds a base inside the heart of the island’s volcano from which he plots his nefarious schemes and where he builds a giant thermonuclear warhead which he threatens to launch from his über-secret hideout using the missile that he stole from the Russians. The voice making the announcement, the sirens and air horns, the echoing reverb - it all sounded like it was being broadcast from the depths of a mountain while hordes of Japanese and German scientists in white lab coats and black horned-rim glasses raced back and forth doing their Master’s bidding.

I told one of my colleagues I’d give him a hundred bucks if he’d tape fake dynamite to his chest and run around the corridors of the building. He passed. The coward.

I guess if Major Tom was willing to buy peace with his life then I shouldn’t be too worried about buying peace which allows me to keep a few thousand dollars, right? Even if the rest of the dollars are flowing away like water thundering over Iguazú Falls?

If only my Jeep had a connection to Ground Control…

The problem with these white Apple keyboards is that when you spill chili on them it really shows up.

I just had this SMS exchange with my brother, Stefan, who lives in Holland.

Stefan: Dude…Are you guys ok?

Me: Yup! Wat’s up?

Stefan: Just wondering if you were shaken up by the earthquake and if you are still hiding under your desk.

Me: There was an earthquake?

Stefan: LOL, yes there was. 5.4 in LA. Just saw it on CNN. No major damage, no casualties or injuries reported.

Sure enough, there was an earthquake today, which CNN, in typical understated fashion, headlined with: Earthquake rocks Los Angeles. (Stay tuned or the inevitable Wolf Blitzer report from the Situation Room!)

Anyway, I get an excuse for being oblivious to an earthquake that hit not far our new house; The Debra and I are in Sunriver, Oregon this week.

The counter-offer to the counter-offer to our initial offer was accepted! We have a house!

The sellers have counter-offered and we have counter-offered their counter-offer. Negotiations are in full swing. En garde! Touché. Point!

Normally I am up before seven in the morning. Usually about six is when I wake up, scratch what needs to be scratched, putter around, wake up, surf a little, make coffee for The Debra - all that sort of thing. But last night we stayed up late watching Fellowship of the Ring and afterwards I read a bit more of the novel to Debra before bed, so falling-asleep time was about 1:00am. So I slept soundly through six o’clock and had just started working on sleeping through seven when my cell phone rang and I awoke to the blunt force trauma of a Christina Cheney banzai charge slash telephone conversation.

I love Christina. Love her to death. Known her since our early days in college (just after her MASSIVE big hair days) and all through her years of dabbling in nascent web industries and into her consulting life and jet-setting between Hawaii and LA and New York. She’s a great, very dear friend. But if a Shelby Cobra could go 0-100-0 in ten seconds then Christina could do it in five. But maybe without the stopping part.

So the phone rang at seven and I answered it in an utter fog and upon my pushing the Answer button and mumbling “This is Michael” I was assaulted by Christina, bayonettes fixed.

I have yet to recover.